Author: nevilleholly@bellsouth.net Page 5 of 6

Everyday I have the feeling… Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s true. I lead a charmed life. I work hard, I have a positive attitude, but I’m truly blessed… Lucky. Like I’m living a dream. My dream. And how long can it go on like that? Three healthy, strong,beautiful children. My dream job. My parents and siblings are healthy and our relationships good. A supportive significant other. Good friends. Great work partners. 
Do you ever feel like it’s too good to be true? Like Taylor Swift sings “are we out of the woods yet?” You never really are, but more importantly, do you want to be? 

 The woods are dark… then light…sunlight streaming through the tall thick trees, gleaming off the leaves and spiderwebs…. There is beauty absolutely everywhere. You just have to open your eyes to see it. Do we really want to be “in the clear”? Staying stationary in a familiar, well lit zone of safety? You never know what tomorrow may bring, but there is no sense in fearing it. There are things you can control and things you can’t. Take care of yourself and your family. Be wise. Be cautious. Don’t text and drive! Experience life. Go into the woods. It’s cool there, and has a funny smell. But that’s where you can find change, find growth, breathe a little deeper, see a little clearer. 5 years ago, I made a choice to live with as few regrets as possible. Yo live for today, but plan well for tomorrow. You can’t stand in the woods, afraid in the darkness waiting for the “clear” to come to you. Go get it. Look up and see the good in what you have. See what you want. Change what you can, accept or leave what you can’t change, decide to be happy, choose to treat your loved ones each day as through you may not see them the next. 
See you in the woods.

For the last 5 years I’ve given the same piece of “wisdom” to countless medical students, friends, residents and colleagues… Men and women, alike: love is love, lust is lust, and marriage is a business contract. Well, factually and actually it is… But it’s so much more. My words have burned of bitterness, lit by an unhappy marraige that ended with significant financial consequences. After all, if you make a good living and you saved money well, your spouse is entitled to take half of that with them… Unless you spell it out in the contract. So, as I count down the last 4 months of the marital settlement package, I repeat over and over how lucky we women are to be recognized finally as equals… We vote, work.. And pay alimony.

So, guess what? I’m in love.. And lust… And I’m getting married again… NEXT month! My cynical little chant now takes on new meaning… I feel bad saying it.. Thinking it… But a component of it still is, right? 

But for all the reasons that I look forward to being a Mrs, I feel very strongly about the contract and making it our contract, meeting our needs. Like planning your own wedding bash at 45… It’s different than in your 20’s. We are doing this for us.  We are doing this as a celebration of spending our lives together.

So, for the people who tell me (over and over) that a prenup is unromantic, spoils the wedding, plans for divorce, I say this. I prenup gives you an open understanding of the financial relationship you are entering. It allows you to plan for the future together, it permits you to work on your relationship without fear of financial repercussions, it makes provisions for the untimely death of a partner and being sure that the widow or widower is taken care of properly, it shows respect for each other… And yes… If God forbid it doesn’t work out and I find my soon to be husband sunning himself on the miami beaches with a hot miami mama, well, I know what will happen. The rules are there.

I’ve learned a lot since my 20’s about love, relationships, mutual respect, communication and understanding and am 100% committed. I now truly believe that you can’t choose who you fall in love with, but you can most definitely choose who you stay in love with. 

In the end, love, lust and marriage are two way streets and you have to do what keeps your highway running smoothly. 

I’m in love, I’m in lust, and I’m going to sign the contract.

Yesterday was National Women Physician’s Day… Yep! There’s a day for everyone and everything! Ice cream, doughnuts, pancakes… They all have days, and deservingly so. Who doesn’t want to celebrate doughnuts? Mothers, fathers, grandparents, the list goes on and on- a chance to celebrate in so many ways! As a mom of a red head, I really enjoyed “kiss a ginger day”. 

Yesterday, however, I stood conflicted. I went to Facebook to put the overlay over my photo and #iamBlackwell, but I never did it. I felt agitated, bothered, unsettled. There is a National physicians day, why do we need a national women’s  physician’s day? It’s 2016! Half of medical classes (or more) have been women for over a decade. My chairperson is a woman (woohoo), and when I walk through the hospital many of the physicians, residents, and medical students are women. I DONT WANT THIS DAY ANYMORE!!! And I don’t want it because we still need it. Damn it. 

Why in 2016 do I celebrate that my chair is a woman? Why is it that women physicians are promoted less often and later? Why do female physician’s salaries lag behind their male counterparts? Why do our brilliant, well trained female physicians only work an average of 7 years out of practice? Why, when after seeing her new female physician for the first time (yes Dr Nicole Torres- you!), did my daughter- the daughter of a  female pediatric surgeon- ask why we were leaving when she had only seen the nurse? Why? Why? Why?!

So, we need it. We need to stand by our colleagues, stand up for ourselves, mentor our students, stand as role models to the best of our abilities, promote ourselves and when we succeed, promote those on the way up. We need to tell our children why we work, what we do, how we make a difference. And please do. Make a difference.

Let’s get rid of this day. 

As some of you know, I participate in several student and professional women mentoring groups.. And, I hear it all the time from women working outside the home… “They said they questioned my commitment”!  I hear it from business women, in the news… It’s pervasive!

What does that mean? The worst thing is, is that this “question” comes from female and male colleagues! They don’t question your commitment, they question your ability. Let’s just be honest and call a spade a spade, ladies. 

They question is- can you get up all night and feed your infant, nurse at 5 am, dress at 6, prep the lunch boxes at 615 and be at work on time… Ready to go. Work through your lunch to complete all tasks by end of day , pump milk at each mini- break- using the “hands free” function so you can continue typing, and leave on time to pick up kids, relieve the babysitter, cook dinner, clean up your home, get kids to evening activities, get kids to bed, finish work, nurse baby… Over and over again.. Day after day. 

Well, Medela has likely made a fortune on the abilities of women and let’s just say it… 

What separates us from MEN, much like thumbs separate humans from the other primates, is our ability to Create life… Oh… And then feed that life directly from our bodies warding off each and every  infection. Pretty cool. 

That’s right. I don’t have too much more to say. Obviously, you can. Some women choose to devote these efforts 100% to their  children.. Yes.. These are the women who go to the classroom and read to everyone’s children, organize volunteers, classroom supplies, and send you pictures of classroom events when you can’t make it. Thank you! For those of us who have to work to feed our families, or choose to work, or love to work outside the home.. Thank you!  I don’t question the commitment of a woman or a mom. I stand in awe of our resilency, our patience, our tolerance, our efficiency, our selflessness… Our commitment. 

Like Beyoncé says.. “Have the baby and get back to business”. You do it. I do it. Across the entire world, women do it. And we do it under all kinds of circumstances. 

After all… Girls rule the world.

Committed.

  How is your to do list doing? Are you an “Evernoter”? Using those cute little boxes to document your daily, weekly and sometimes minute to minute successes? Admittedly, I am. It helps me to remember to send a photo to school on Tuesday with one child, make a haircut appointment for another, and run the other errands essential to home and work life. It gives me a sense of organization and accomplishment.Without it, I forget things and don’t remember until they have reached ” critical status!” It helps me control daily chaos and make sure there is milk in the fridge… And coffee… There must always be coffee.. But there are bigger ticket items that you have to keep track of as well.

Take for example my swimming pool. It’s always on the brink of turning green. One bad call weekend and it’s fit for tadpoles. It needs regular attention- not a lot, but just enough. Overlooking one of the small details leads to algae bloom disaster.

The big ticket life items need attention too, or they fall apart. Like checking your roof for cracked tiles and signs of wear…Or the veggie drawer in the fridge for signs of decay (oh-the things I find), you’ve gotta do the same with your personal relationships- your parents, your children, your friends, your significant other… And of course, your career, finances and life goals. Its a bit like a bunch of bags on a merry go round and its spinning – Sometimes like crazy – and you gotta make sure that each bag stays on, stays healthy, grows, blooms and matures. We don’t do it. I know I didn’t. I grabbed life by the horns and put both eyes on the bag that said career and didn’t look right or left. I didn’t see the signs of decay in my marraige . I didn’t notice the cracks, chips, tiles flying off right and left… Until I had kids and I began to divide my attention between work & home and tried to begin to attend to the job of responsibly raising a family.

You live, you learn. You learn that a good relationship takes attention, caring, kindness, respect and effort- from both sides… With each child, with your significant other, with each friend. Ladies, one day those adorable time-mongering children will move away, and based on statistics, your beloved will pass before you… And you’ll be left with your girlfriends. So keep them close. Plan social events. Dedicate your precious time and effort to these friendships.  

So make a mental note, or jot down on paper (like your grandma), or get out your Evernote app and go through your big ticket items. Financially are you ok? If you have kids, do you have a will? A living will? College savings account?  

Emotionally and physically are you ok? Have you seen your doctor? Do you have unaddressed health (mental or physical) concerns? Do you exercise? Have you had a mammogram? You are the biggest big ticket item!

Do you have a significant other? If not, do you want one? and how are you going to tackle THAT?  If so, how’s it going? Check that relationship over for cracked tiles, or even the roof falling off and get it back on the rafters. Lose the resentment, the passive aggressive games. They only serve to get the roof off faster or leave it divided in 2 parts with monthly payments to your ex.  Express appreciation, and make your need to be appreciated clear. 

Kids? Take time and address it all! Have a list of important topics to cover with them – sex, drugs, driving, texting. They need your attention and support. Listen. They have a lot to say and sometimes it seems like constant chatter,but hear what they have to say. Make sure the dominant message they are receiving is a positive one!

Call your mom! 

Let’s do this. I’ve got my little box filled list ready to mark my accomplishments and encourage me to check off those items I love to put off. This go round, I’m keeping my roof on.

  
“A jumper?”. Yes…. You know, the mom or dad or brother or sister or much loved child who has lost grasp of the value of their life and feels that they have nowhere to turn and makes the sad, devastating choice to jump… From the metro… From the parking garage at the medical center…  Well, that’s what a jumper is.. Not a mere inconvenience to the metro line schedule or the trauma team’s breakfast. 

Maybe in medicine we are worse at labeling or desensitizing ourselves than in other fields… I’m not sure, but I am sure of one thing… I want, I need, I will remember what’s most important… Life, family… And the value of each individual is the same.. But sometimes I need a jolt, to bring me back.

It’s a strange thing really, to deal with people who get sick, who (thankfully) get well, who get better and go home, who go to hospice, who die. It changes your perspective- for good and for bad. For good? Yep… You can crash my car, forget to pick up my child from school on time, mess up my bank account, tear the buttons off my clothes at the dry cleaner and my response is basically the same… “Ufff… That’s not good… Well, it’s not like somebody died”. And… I’m over it. Yeah… So basically my kids get away with … well, not murder… Because that would be someone dying… I’ll just say that discipline is not my strong suit. 

The bad? In the heat of the moment, in the hurry of the day, in the blur of patients in and out of the operating room and on the wards, the daily rush …. We eventually become less sensitive. It serves as protection. It’s no fun to see a baby born prematurely who has been growing and thriving over the last weeks suddenly get a severe intestinal infection and have all of their bowel die. That’s fatal… Or near fatal.. And you feel yourself detach. Perhaps it’s like a mass casualty … Pay your attentions to the ones you can save first… 

Humanity is one of the reasons that after a short stint in private practice I returned to a university. Surrounded on a daily basis by young, intelligent students who have never seen any of this before and who still remember why they chose medicine..to help people.. To serve. It gets blurry… The billing, the insurance, the lectures, the office, the phone calls, the schedule, the sleep deprivation…. And then in perfectly clear focus you turn and see your medical student crying next to this poor helpless preterm baby…. I see them playing games with the kids in the cancer unit… I see them staying late coloring books with our patient recovering from trauma. They hold the kid’s hands as they are rolled back to surgery. They ask why?  They ask What if? They ask Could you try? 

They remind me to treasure every moment with my kids, they remind me to read and stay fresh, they remind me how afraid these families are in the hospital, they remind me of who I am and who I strive to be. 

They keep it real.