Do you ever have something that you want to say.. to get off your chest…and you just can’t get it out? A gradual realization that the world in which you live, work and succeed isn’t what you thought? That the stories you tell your daughters and students and friends are just that… Stories. Fairy tales.
may the glass rain down
It is a struggle, almost a war, in my brain, my heart, and my soul for the last months.. I can’t write because I don’t have the words or the capacity or really the courage to say what needs to be said. Is it possible that the glass ceiling is so real, so palpable, but so crystal clear that I never truly believed it existed?
It is strange how middle age.. maybe combined with the most odd election in the history of the US… shines a light that defines the opacity of the ceiling and how truly low the ceiling dips. All the talk of a double standard, or wage inequity… it’s actually totally irrelevant. Its a completely different standard that women are held to. There is no similarity. When we go to work we are not only judged by our skills as a surgeon, physician, nurse, teacher etc… We are judged on our physical appearance… looks matter for women in the workplace . Looks matter for women everywhere. We can neither look too good (cougar) or too bad (careless). We are judged on our weight… too thin – anorexic.. too fat.. you’ve let yourself go (poor husband). You are judged on your manner of speech with your colleagues. We can neither be too efficient and decisive (aggressive and bitchy) nor too carefree (lazy). We are judged on our work hours. If you finish quickly & efficiently, you’re a bad teammate. If we stay late, we are bad moms. We are judged on our children. They must be healthy, fit, intelligent and strong or it is clearly the result of neurotic mothering. If we women date a couple men we are sluts… if we don’t, our sexuality is openly questioned or we are prudes.
Is there no acceptable way to be a woman?
We live in such an advanced country, and yet we don’t have maternity leave. Many women don’t have affordable childcare! Our colleagues, men and women, feel burdened by our reproductive decisions and feel it somehow appropriate to comment…. at work! Many women consider it an investment in their future to inject a toxin in their skin or implant silicone into their bodies! They fear when their beauty fades, so will their influence… and it will.. and it does. Compared to 7% of men aged 55-61, 20.5% of women the same age are underemployed (OWL Mothers Day Report). When you think of a retirement plan for yourself or your sons, do you think of a 401K? For your daughters? Is it the same? Or does part of that plan involve an MRS? Do you look into your daughter’s eyes and wonder if the ceiling will shatter before she hits it? Do you send her out into the world with narry a warning? Do you wonder if she will look at you with disdain when she realizes she can be anything she wants to be, but…
Should we tell her to take 10 deep breaths and follow her heart, her skills, her beliefs and to continue on bumping along the glass until one day it finally smashes. Because I know it will. I know it must.
Everything you’ve earned, you’ve fought for and you’ve deserved. Do you wonder if you would be so fortunate if you weren’t pretty?
That has to change… pretty much.
Julie Kanter
I was just driving home thinking of the same thing. Specifically, as I age, who will listen to me. Well said.