Miami is an odd place. We have manatees, salt water crocodiles (the only place in North America), pythons (imports), wild blue macaw parrot populations (escapees from Hurricane Andrew), and people from just about everywhere.  Between 70-80% of our population speak english as a second language, if at all. 


This is a melting pot of America… and it’s really just a small, small town. 

That’s the strangest thing. Everyone here knows each other, or can (and must) somehow connect you to their network… they just have to place you. It starts with “what’s your high school?” If that doesn’t work then a series of short questions will serve to find someone you know, who they know, through their brothers sister-in -law whose friend knows your son’s friend that he swims with. Done. You’ve been placed.

Miami is a place of money… and no money.. but it’s hard to tell who has and who doesn’t. Everyone drives ridiculously nice cars… someone drives a metallic gold mazerati! Money matters here. Women “invest” in their futures with plastic surgery from top to bottom and men? The men walk around with big bellies and drive fancy cars, like Porches, that ares dubbed “panty droppers”. Men work, women work even harder. It’s a tough crowd. You have to look great and stay in shape or just never visit South Beach. Drinks are expensive, housing is absurd. I understand that after a couple months of dating people will actually ask for help paying their rent. There are 2 ways to make money here. Real estate and import export. I have no idea what that means. 

Driving in Miami is insane. So insane that I have switched over to using the metro as much as is possible. There is a combination of a lot of old people coming to Miami to escape the cold. I think they headed for Bal Harbor, but overshot. There are the University of Miami undergrads… with a tuition at or near the top of the national average, these kids, for the most part are not poor. So basically you have teenagers, just granted independence, tearing through town at all hours of the day and night in cars that I still can’t afford! Then you have the facts that no one else actually learned to drive in the US, that stop signs are optional, that when you hit a traffic jam on the highway it’s a good idea to put it in reverse and floor it to get to the last exit, that turning right from the left lane is fine as long as you honk and wave angrily at everyone like they are the ones doing something insane.   Accidents are usually comprised of 2-5 imported cars.. the sum value of which is often more than my house. For some strange reason, that makes me happy.   Truly happy. And crosswalks… what’s a crosswalk? It should be a crossrun. 

Everyone here has a boat, or wants a boat,  or wants a friend with a boat – Why? To go sit at the sandbar. The sandbar is an area in the bay where about a million boats anchor on any day with sunlight and a pop up party ensues. Girls dance in bikinis on the upper decks, Pitbull is played loudly from nearly every arrival, people float, lounge and drink. The whole place smells of Hawaiian tropic, money, and beer. Some people, I think, go fishing… but I really think it’s just so they have stories to tell at the sandbar.

Language

Mira! Nadie here speaks pure English or pure Spanish. Quieres un cafecito is not Spanish in Miami.. it’s just polite, and say yes. This city runs on cafecito… hence the driving skills. Women here are called Mami or Mamacita or Mamita depending on your age and what they want from you. Little girls are called Mami from the get go. Mamacita is always said with a glance at your butt… I don’t know why, but it’s true. Here, it’s perfectly fine to call your son Gordo (fat) as a name and your wife or girlfriend “Gorda”. While I would never speak to you again, here it’s fine, and oddly a term of affection. Abuela is grandma and you can call any older woman Señora or Abuela without offending her.  


Men are called Papi. This word however can be said in different ways with different meanings.. it’s all in the “a”. A short quick Papi is just like calling them by their name, a soft Papi is more affectionate and a long Paaapi or an “ay Paaaapi” means come over here and take your clothes off. So be careful. Gringas should use this term with caution. 

Greetings

People in miami don’t shake hands. If they do, it involves a pull in with sideways hug. This makes leaving miami socially awkward because people elsewhere don’t want to be hugged and or kissed by someone they don’t know, and certainly not at professional events. When I go to meetings in Boston or New York, people pull away.. shocked by the physical contact. But here, it’s good manners. My kid’s friends all greet me with a polite hello and hug with light kiss .. usually in the air. My patient’s  parents hug me. There are different Miami hugs. The socialite hug is done in high heels and a short skirt with a slight lean forward and barely a touch and no kiss contact, but kiss noise. You should not know if those are implants or not. They usually are. The Abuela or Mami hug is a full surrender hug. This has taken some getting used to. 10 years here and I’m sure hugging me is still like hugging a bag of raised- by-northeastern-parent bones, but I’m getting more accustomed.. at least to the women. I still find the hugs of men to be uncomfortable.

Finally, shoes. Miami is what the high heel industry lives for. High heels (and when possible Manolo’s) are worn everywhere and with everything. You simply cannot land your foot on the pavement getting out from your Land Rover in your leggings and hoodie without 3″ heels. It would be unsightly. The fashion industry has responded and fortunately now 3 inch gold lame high tops are available. I saw 3 pairs at my 8 year old daughter’s swim meet yesterday. This starts young. For the 4th grade dance the school sent out a memo that specifically stated no high heels. Pero, 2 ” really isn’t “high”… right? The day of the dance I saw at least 60% of the girls striding in comfortably in their heels.. they’ve done this before. I’m 46 and can’t walk like that in high heels…  I think podiatrists must do well here. Boots in miami are a must. You absolutely must have Uggs and a pair of leather stiletto boots – and be prepared to pull them out the very second the thermostat falls below 65. These must be coupled with your shortest skirt and a trendy shoulderless sweater.. after all.. it’s cold but not that cold. You have very few opportunities so you must be prepared. The uggs are required for morning school drop off, coupled with your workout attire that is used only for this purpose. 


Miami is beautiful. From the orchids to the Spanish style mansions to the beaches with the clear blue ocean, the place is completely addictive. Year round weather perfect for outdoor activities, complete professional team apathy, not to miss things like “Robert is Here” smoothies, Misha’s cupcakes, crab legs at Joe’s  and cafe con leche at every corner make this an ideal place to vacation or live like you’re on vacation. 


Ay Papi… meet me in miami.