First, Happy Mother’s Day! This is written in the celebration of motherhood and recognition of the incredible challenge that motherhood combined with work outside the home. or even inside the home, presents.
I get asked so often “how do you do it?” Be a mom, a surgeon, exercise, cook… holy sh*#, sounds terrible. I hate to answer this way, because I see the look of desperation in your eyes, the deep set-in fatigue, the sense of overwhelm, the look of “I am only hanging on by the thinnest of threads so please tell me it will be ok”, but the real answer is because there is no other good choice. Choice is the answer. And it is choice that I hope will convince you that you’ve got this, you can do it, and you can do it well. It’s worth it and you’re going to have fun along the way. I promise.
Me & Number Three❤
There are 4 things that I have found are the true paths to sanity in the life of a working mother. Trust me when I tell you that I have not always had these and it took a bit of pain, suffering, self introspection, and, well, quite honestly, divorce, for me to get to the point where I could look at myself in the mirror and my reflection would tell me “you’ve got this!” versus me pleading with my reflection to believe in me.
1. Get rid of the resentment.
Realign your expectations with the reality around you and be clear what others can expect of you. If you can’t meet the expectations of others, your are going to be weighed down by mother loads of guilt. Make it clear if you are on the edge. I use a line, that my husband teases me about, but it is effective. “Kids, I’m overstimulated”. Everyone knows that means that I’ve brought something home with me.. some worry, problem, sadness or fatigue and I just am not willing to handle 50 million new minor problems right this second. Write it down for me, send me a text so I remember to order the gazillion things than you need for class or Sally’s Birthday or your field trip permission slip… but give me a little mental space. They learn to respect your needs and they also learn coping strategies for when they are adults.
The home destroyers have been working overtime ?
Realign your expectations of them. Bigly. If you think that amazing good looking man you married is going to handle baby duty during the night, split the household chores and not complain then I really hope you’re right and if you are you are the WINNER of the game of life!!!! But so often, we expect that and they fall short. It happens at home, it happens at work… people very often fall short of our expectations. But let’s face it. Who gave me the right to have expectations of what you are to do? Exactly. No one. Discuss what is reasonable, possible, achievable by their standards. It’s not enough? Hire someone to do the rest, or do it yourself. Make a choice. What works? What doesn’t. It’s that simple.
Do not simmer in resentful anger while your husband sits on the couch while you fold his clothing, cook his dinner, clean the dishes and then have to go back to the hospital because you’re on call. Did he tell you to do those things? Did he expect it? Did he ever, for a moment expect to do those things himself? Did you ever even ask him to help? If the answer is no, then those things were your choice to do. Don’t resent, realign. Resentment will burn you alive. It takes a lot of emotional energy to resent… and last I checked, we working moms don’t have enough emotional energy in the bank to be wasting it.
2. Lose the scheduled obligations
Nothing stresses me out more than a scheduled obligation when deep down I know my schedule isn’t truly in my control! Pick ups from school or swim practice. Drop offs for a party or event. Omg… the horrid stress. That had to go. If I had to ask a colleague for coverage, I felt weak and lazy. If I was late for the pickup, I felt horrible mom guilt. The babysitter who has to leave by 6? The babysitter who tells you she needs next week off for a family emergency! OMG! Forget it. This is for your sanity Moms. Get someone to help. I switched to an Au Pair about 5 years ago and haven’t looked back. She’s off when I’m off, she’s off when the kids are in school. She’s on and making all those scheduled necessities until I’m home. No one can concentrate on their work properly when they are worried if their child will be the last one in the late pickup office.
When you do have a scheduled obligation, like a graduation, something important to both you and your child, take the day off. Less vacation at the end of the year? Sure… but less need for vacation… you won’t have aged 15 years running from the hospital to your car, driving likely a possessed maniac through the horrid Miami traffic, bursting in to your child’s classroom party with salad still in the store bought container with no serving utensils with a face that screams “did anyone bring wine!!!” while the rest of the moms are chillin with their kids and their perfectly made Christmas tree cut out watermelons. Really… cut yourself some slack. Sign up for the forks and napkins or take the day off and get a pedicure and then show up relaxed and refreshed and ready to be present for yourself and your child.
3. Find you.
Helllooooo… where are YOU? 20-30 minutes can be dedicated guilt free to yourself everyday. Do not fall into the “you just got home and now you want to…” No, you need to. Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise with a minute or 2 of mindful awareness can be fit it to your horrible, stressful, packed schedule and it will make a huge difference in your energy level, self esteem and health. Dear Mom, your health is the most important thing you have, please do not neglect it. A better you is a better mom, wife, doctor, nurse, banker.. you get the idea.
Strategies that work? Wake up 15 mins earlier, while still confused and disoriented leave house with work clothes packed. Go to gym near or at work, exercise, rapid shower and go to work… since you missed traffic that 15 min sleep sacrifice just bought you at least a 30 min workout. The first 1-2 times are rough because of the pack &go… but works great if you are not the morning driver.
Evening- family walk … I always hated this.. half of the kids wouldn’t want to go… by the time the shoes were tied and the mandatory leave-the-house supplies were packed… you know.. snacks, water, juice, toy, book, special elephant, sunglasses, hat, bin, diapers, changing pad, wipes… my heart rate has already been up for 30 mins and I would decide a glass of wine was better. Some people this really works for and can give some extra family time.
Shake it while you bake it! This is my GO-To! Whip up oven baked meal and then…. 40 mins.. GO! Come home, run through house desperately attempting to restore order in the face of what seems to be constant assault from such sweet beautiful innocent appearing house destroyers. Run to kitchen and quickly prepare something that must be baked… quiche (5 mins prep on a slow day), baked ziti (10 mins), roasted veggies… watch the knife people…, you get the idea. Throw in oven and GO! Tread water in your pool, go for a run, dance party on the Wii, yoga on wii fit, break out the treadmill, bike or elliptical if you can find it under your laundry. When the food is done, you’re done. While food cools you can set the table (because obviously no one else has (refer to section 1), take a quick shower or not and eat with your family! Note… I strongly recommend a sign over the table that reminds the children of manners and maternal appreciation, and a rule… and statement of “dis is dissgosting” from the mouths of those lovely little angels your produced needs consequences… and no, the consequence is not you getting up and making that demanding little prima donnas a meal they like better! Again, set expectations. They expect dinner and you expect them to eat it… sans complaint.
Don’t forget the mindful awareness. Take a minute to breath. Take a minute to smile. Tell yourself you’re awesome.
4. Choice.
I cannot underestimate the power of choice. Choose it, believe it, remind yourself daily, and make it happen. I choose happy. Maybe you choose success or peace or whatever makes you the person you want to be. The mom you want to be. Momma, you’re the CEO. No one can do it like you do. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to share your talents and your enthusiasm for life and career with those adorable little people you chose to have. Love those little house destroyers. They grow up fast.
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